Courts Beware of the Borderline Personality:
Implications for Mediation
Joan Lachkar, Ph.D is
a licensed Marriage and Family therapist in private practice in Sherman Oaks,
California, an affiliate member for the New Center for Psychoanalysis, and is
the author of The Narcissistic/Borderline Couple: Psychoanalytic Perspective on Marital
Treatment, The Many Faces of Abuse: Treating the Emotional Abuse of
High-Functioning Women, The V-Spot, How to Talk to a Narcissist, and How
to Talk to a Borderline, The Disappearing Male, New Approach to Marital
Therapy, and her new book, Common
Complaints that bring Couples. Dr.
Lachkar is also a psychohistorian, has published numerous publications on
marital and political conflict in the Journal of Psychohistory,
Frontpage, Family Security Matters, including her paper, "The
Psychopathology of Terrorism" at the Rand Corporation.
Joan
Jutta Lachkar, Ph.D.
Courts
Beware of the Borderline Personality: Implications for Mediation
This paper was
presented at the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts (AFCC) AFCC's Winter Conference on
December 13, 1985 in San Diego, California. It was originally published in
Conciliation Court Review June 1986, pp 31-43. Also AFCC 53rd Annual Conference | Modern Families: New
Challenges, New Solutions | June 1-4, 2016 | Sheraton Seattle Hotel | Seattle,
WA. Although I am not a divorce lawyer I have with consulted with many experts
in the field of family law.
Courts Beware of the Borderline Personality:
Implications for
Mediation
Suddenly
my head begins to spin. I feel dizzy and confused. My head keeps going round
and round. In front of me sits a married couple; they go on and on in circles,
going nowhere. A feeling of despair overwhelms me as I think to myself. This
couple needs to be in therapy. I then realize l am the therapist!
Happy families are all alike every unhappy family is
unhappy in its own way … Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina
Nothing is as highly
emotionally charged as couples going through divorce and custody battles. When
couples divorce little do they know of the horrors that await them. Emotions
start flying, lies, false accusations of child abuse/molestation forgery, purposeful
building of huge legal fees, unwarranted restraining orders, out of control
behavior in front of children. Often the children are made into “little
mediators,” MINI adults who grow up much too early and much too soon feeling
responsible for their parent’s divorce. In recent years an increasing number of
mediators, lawyers, and court officials have consulted extensively with
clinicians and other mental health professionals especially in dealing with “impossible
couples.” In many of my other publications I refer to these highly charged
emotionally experiences as “V-spots,” how each partner stir up in unresolved
archaic injuries in the other (Lachkar,2008a, 2008b, 2009, (2011, 2013).
Better to feel the
pain a destructive attachment than to face the abyss and
emptiness of no
attachment
Judges, lawyers, counselors
and court officials, mediators and other court are continually perplexed why
people continue to battle without ever reaching conflict resolution. Even when conflict resolution is reached or offered it is
repudiated. Unleashed aggression, vengeance
and self-sabotage disrupt any potential for resolution. Revenge,
retaliation, getting even, blame/shame become a more pervasive force than life
itself. “It is because of you I lost my job!” This kind of resistance is important because
many of these couples are emotionally too glued. Even after divorce they maintain a bond, albeit a
destructive and parasitic one. They cannot separate because they cannot feel a
sense of aliveness unless they are fused in a destructive dysfunctional
relationship. “It has been over twenty years and my husband
to this day refuses to pay for our daughter’s college education because he
still feels I betrayed and abandoned him!”
In an article I wrote some
years ago, “Courts Beware of the Borderline” (1986), for the Conciliation Court
Review, I recognized many people in family law were familiar with such
disorders as narcissism, obsessive-compulsive, passive-aggressive but unfamiliar with borderline personality disorder (BPD). In
recent years, BPD has been getting more
attention especially in the area of divorce and custody litigation. It is like
a virus that attaches oneself, spreads and doesn’t let go. When evidenced through the mental health
process, an evaluation should be required. The evaluation should be with a
mental health professional not only familiar with treating primitive mental
defenses, but with Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), of course there should
always room for a second opinion. I entitled this article “Courts Beware of the Borderline”
because many of my colleagues are continually mystified how a person with (BPD
will fight to the bitter end even to sacrifice self and others (spouse, children,
family, money, reputation) until they reach their final destination-revenge.
They are manipulative, cruel, sadistic and will do anything to maintain some
semblance of connection (also known as parasitic bonding). They are boundless,
treat their own children as objects (use them as pawns pieces of property) and
the spouse as a scapegoat to control, dominate, project into and maintain
power.
One patient spent
hundreds of thousands of dollars in legal fees trying to prove that he was
entitled to share custody of their daughter. The borderline wife was fighting
for 100%. Playing the victim card she manipulated the court to believe that her
husband molested and abused their daughter.
The daughter brainwashed by the mother convinced her to lie on her
behalf. He finally won and the court granted him 50 % custody.
Where Do Psychology and Mediation Meet?
More and more mediators stuck in the quagmire of these
beleaguered types of relationships are becoming more aware of the importance in
understanding various personality types. For example, someone with a narcissistic
personality will be more concerned with possessions, feel entitled to have it
all (the custody, the money, the house, the furniture, the pets) as compared to
the borderline who could care less about possessions but more about revenge and
spending the rest of their life retaliating, getting back or getting even with
the spouse or “mommy” who perceived to have abandoned or betrayed them.
Abstracting ideas from my previous work Lachkar, (1983, 1984,
1985, 2004, 2007, 2008a, 2012 2013, 2014), the attempt is to bring awareness to
the challenges beyond our clinical practice to the court room. Beginning with
my first book, The
Narcissistic/Borderline Couple (Lachkar, 2004) I describe what happens when
a narcissistic and a borderline join together in a marital bond. This led to
the realization that there is more than one type of narcissist and one type of
borderline. Subsequently this led to the realization that
there is not just one kind of narcissist or borderline but many different (Lachkar.
2009). Understanding the varying
dynamics with battling court room couples are of vital importance
Although
this article is intended to focus on the borderline, it is not exclusive. Narcissistic/
borderlines traits and characteristic are not clear and concise entities for
they do tend to vacillate back and forth. Their variances and qualitative
distinctions tend to seep over into other disorders. One cannot understand a
borderline without understanding a narcissist. For example the borderline
responds more to confrontation or a “hard object,” whereas the narcissist more
to empathy and understanding. My next
article should be “Courts Beware of the Narcissist the “Entitled One!” or
“Courts Beware of the Histrionic the Drama Queen of the Courthouse!” These
distinctions are of significance, for example, what happens in mediation because
we have a variety of dyadic configurations of couples that go beyond
narcissist/borderline couples. For
example what happens when an obsessive compulsive hooks up with a histrionic or
a passive aggressive with a caretaker type? The way an obsessive compulsive procrastinates
demanding perfection and orderliness is a far cry from the histrionic who is
impulsive, demanding and overly emotional. Her emotionality creates more of a
“mess” which drives her partner to obsess even more and drag things out to
exhaustion of everyone. I recall one
mediator reporting that he had to leave the mediation session because he felt
so frustrated with the punctilious details he was subjected to. Another
mediator could not contain the rage the passive aggressive was projecting and
was at his wits end. “Sorry I’m late I Sgot
lost again trying to find my way to the courthouse! By the way I didn’t bring
my checkbook!”
All may be may be very taxing
on not only those who love and live with them but therapists who treat them.
One of the most significant and destructive that stands out is the malignant
borderline. At the very core the malignant borderline is dominated by malicious
intent, one driven to fight to destroy and sabotage anything practical
including good advice or reasonable offers. They are manipulative
and cruel, and impervious to self-inflicted or other inflicted pain and
will pursue at any cost.
When
he depletes me to unbearable nothingness only then will he expect me give up
and say, “Okay you win take everything and I’ll get out of your life!”
To put this in suitable perspective, I would first like to start by describing a
narcissistic/borderline relationship to be followed by describing the
narcissist and then the borderline and the basic dynamics and within the structure
their personalities. I would now like to
describe a narcissistic/borderline relationship, and outline some basics
qualities and dynamics within the structure of narcissistic and borderline
personalities.
The Narcissistic/Borderline
Couple
The narcissistic/borderline
relationship is what happens when these two beleaguered oppositional types join
together in a marital bond. God knows
how they find one another like a fox to a rabbit. Together they do what I refer to as “the
dance,” how one person projects a
negative feeling into the other and how the other then identifies or
over-identifies with that which is being projected. In analytic terms known as projective
identification. These are behaviors and interactions go on and on, round and
round, are circular, never-ending and painful and destructive. The revelation is that each partner needs the other to play out his or
her own personal relational drama. Engaging in these beleaguered relationships
are two developmentally arrested people who bring archaic experiences embedded
in old sentiments into their current relationships. “
You’ll see they’ll be a
“daddy judge” to see what a bitch you are!
Since writing this book, I have come to the
awareness how common these types of couples are. Not only clinicians, but lawyers, mediators,
counselors and court personnel are becoming more baffled about this type of
couple and often ask “Why are they doing this? Don’t they want peace or
happiness?” Are they crazy? Masochistic? Sadistic? The answer on the surface may appear that way
but lurking in the shadow are deeper issues.
Either consciously
or unconsciously each one needs the other as they stir up many highly unresolved conflicts as they enact
their psychological dance. Unfortunately the court stage often becomes
the platform for these enactments. In court custody battles the narcissist takes on center stage performing their
exaggerated omnipotent and grandiose entitlement fantasies, while behind the
curtain lures the borderline ready to
fight and get even or "teach the
other a lesson." .
Diagnostic
Distinctions
The first thing I look for is
the most dominant feature in each partner. The narcissist is the one dominated
by fear of the loss of specialness and entitlement, whereas the borderline is
the one dominated mainly abandonment anxiety and betrayal. While the narcissist seeks to be the special
child of God, the borderline is busy just trying to prove they exist as a thig
in itself.
Better to inflict
pain that to endure the emptiness of the abyss. Then at least I know I exist!”
The Narcissist
The
narcissist is the entitlement lover, the special child of God (also known as
“His Majesty the Narcissist),” You know when you are around one because they are
only about themselves. They believe the world owes them something, and when
narcissistically or not properly mirrored, will
withdraw or isolate themselves. The narcissist cannot tolerate criticism and
even when they are wrong have to be right. They value such things as
success, fame, physical beauty, wealth, material possessions, and power. It is self-love to
the exclusion of the needs of others. One can imagine how this arouses
feelings of unworthiness, abandonment, unworthiness in the borderline one who already has a thwarted sense of self. They
lack empathy and lack consideration for needs of others. They are dominated by a grandiose and exaggerated and inflated
sense of self and entitlement, an excessive sense of specialness,
self-righteousness and feel they are superior to others. They cannot
tolerate their own dependency needs and unwittingly project their needy selves
into someone like a borderline partner. “You’re the needy one not me!” The narcissist is continually on the search to seek out
others as narcissistic supplies or self-objects those who affirm and collude with
their grandiose fantasies. One of the most common features is tit for tat for
fight for competition whereas the spouse becomes the oedipal rival. In court
battles they are the ones who want all the visitation rights, all custody or
child support/alimony payments and believe that their being is enough for the
child. They take advantage wherever they can.
A couple agreed to take turns paying
the mediator. When it was the narcissists turn at end of the medication session,
he would run out leaving his spouse stuck with the “tab.
“Why should I pay when I didn’t get what I want?
The borderline has a
defective sense of self suffer from early trauma in the maternal attachment
bond usually a product of abandonment parents who were absent, alcoholic,
abusive, or physically/ emotionally unavailable. They perpetuate the cycle by
staying in abusive, addictive or destructive relationships enacting the role
victim (bonding by through pain either self-inflicted or other inflicted).
Because the borderline has never separated from the mother they fuse with her.
As much as he needs her, he must destroy
her. “Now I have a chance to let her know what it feels like to be a victim a
scapegoat. “What better place than in a family of court?”
It is because of you I went bankrupt and now I
will make your life miserable and show you how that feels.”
As children they often
take the place of “little adults” or “mediators” to intervene with their
marital disputes. According to Marsha Linehan (1993), they are tantamount to
third-degree burn center patient in agony at the slightest provocation. Their
internal conflicts center primarily on shame, abandonment, betrayal,
deprivation, boundary confusion and lack of identity.
He always remains calm, at ease and well
spoken, while I am a nervous wreck no wonder people always rethink I am the one
who is the abuser.
Borderlines have an
exquisite false self and can dupe the most seasoned therapist, let alone court
officials they meet with the façade of being the poor victims, the betrayed and
abandoned ones. In an attempt to defend against shame they are determined to
win and prove their self-righteousness at any cause. They many appear normal,
genuinely concerned about the welfare of the family, are intelligent and often
charming. Lurking behind this façade they scheme to coerce the other into the
“bad parent.” In psychoanalytic terms this is known as splitting and projective
identification (see glossary). The one
that stands out the most is the malignant BPD (see Table 1 &2 where I
describe different kinds of narcissists and borderlines).
The Borderline
They are dominated
primarily by abandonment fears, issues around betrayal and deception, have
extreme reactions to events and behaviors of others. They are impulsive,
reckless and have suicidal tendencies, self-harming and exhibit extreme
self-sacrificing behavior. They engage in shame/blame/attacking defenses and
cannot take responsibility for their own shortcomings. The borderline exhibits
poor reality testing, poor impulse control and lacks self-regulatory mechanism
as their feelings are often disproportionate to the reality of their
environment. Any hint of abandonment or betrayal can
trigger an intense outburst of rage and revenge to “get back/get even, or teach the other a
lesson.
They are victims, the scapegoats, and when betrayed will spend the rest of
their lives getting back, getting even at the expense of self until they reach
their final destination-revenge!, In court custody cases these are the ones
that will sacrifice themselves, their children, their families, their finances
and or do whatever to get even with the ones they perceived to have betrayed or
abandoned them. It is not unusual to keep their
spouses as a courtroom hostage. They not only inflict pain on others but harm
themselves.
When I burn myself with a cigarette, then I know I’m alive. I exist! Anything is better than abandonment!
Drugs, alcohol, even this terrible abusive/addictive relationship! I’ll do
anything just don’t leave me!
As mentioned earlier, I have
extended my work to describe a variety of narcissists and borderline, but the
most challenging and most viral id the malignant narcissist and the malignant borderline (See Tables 1
& 2 and also Glossary).
The
Malignant Narcissist
The
malignant narcissist tends to be cruel, malicious and sadistic. These narcissists
are in constant need needs to reinforce their beliefs traditions and ideology
onto others and cannot tolerate anyone to disagree or question them. They are
condescending o others and use incendiary remarks to flame rage in others. Some psychologists think of malignant
narcissism as those at the most severe end of the spectrum of narcissism. They have uncontrollable rage and become
indignant whenever someone has the nerve to disagree with them. They typically
lack compassion, empathy, have no regard for others other than themselves and coerce
others to reinforce their beliefs or talents (real or make believe). They project their many of their unwanted
“needy “selves onto their love objects idealizing them only to later have them
destroyed when they are no longer useful. They are selfish, manipulative and only exist
for their own self-serving purposes, present an aura of entitlement and will
walk all over those who try and get in their way They are the abusers, the
molesters, the robbers, the scam artists and totally engrossed in how they can
gain for their own self-serving purposes. In court custody cases will lie, They
lack empathy, compassion, have no remorse for ones they hurt or lives they
destroy.
One man insisted his
wife have an abortion. She refused vehemently. When the baby was born and refused
to have anything to do with it. “Don’t you see how this baby has destroyed and
ruined my career
The malignant narcissist will identify with
such powerful figures as politicians, rock/film stars, gangs, and terrorist
groups those who enact their grandiose fantasies.
One of the most common characteristics of the
malignant narcissistic is their competitive nature and self-driving aspirations
that become the rationale for acting out there most heinous sadistic and
destructive fantasies. The term malignant narcissism is often
associated with antisocial, those who have no conscience are selfish,
manipulate others for their own self-serving interests, nor have empathy or
compassion for their victims. They are
the abusers, the molesters, the robbers, the scam artists and totally engrossed
in themselves.
My cause is better than
your cause!
Bernard Madoff is a
good example a typical businessman who scammed thousands of innocent investors
in a pyramid scheme to fulfill his own grandiose and entitlement fantasies
making everyone believe he was their “benevolent uncle.” When he got caught he showed no remorse
except for the fact that he got caught and had to go to jail
In
court custody cases they make unrealistic demands, take advantage to take what unrightfully
theirs. They will lie, cheat, cajole, trap their spouse into the most
uncompromising positions.
Isn’t it true Mr. X.
that you set your wife up knowing you would be serving her with divorce papers? You convinced her to agree to use her
separate property house she inherited from her grandmother and give you a loan
for your business then after promising to sign a document that it was separate
property?
Isn’t True Mr. X. that you
never lived up to your word to sign the document even after she did you a favor
pleaded and begged with you?
How does the malignant narcissist gets away
with this? Ironically hire lawyers and mediators who collude with their
grandiose and arrogant schemes.
At
the global level many Identify with a
malignant narcissistic political leader like the vicious North Korean leader
Kim Jong II who starved his
people while living in mansions, or Slobodan Milosevic the Serbian war
criminal someone who uses their omnipotent sadistic fantasies to act out their
worst aggression. “We killed thousands of Albanians for a good cause..
Whether at the domestic or global level, sadism and
paranoid features are the most common dynamics and which drives becomes the
rationale for destructive acts of cruelty and aggression
The Malignant Borderline
The malignant
borderline differs from the malignant narcissist who has a “conscience” and
answers to a higher power. Even though the higher power may be a destructive
“higher power,” it is still idealized and to be revered such as Allah,
Mohammad, Kim Jong II, etc. The malignant narcissist often identifies with a
leader or an idealized object.
The malignant
borderline shares many qualities of the malignant narcissist. Both tend to be
malicious, cruel, sadistic, are ruthless lack empathy and find victim to prey
whom they can inflict pain and punishment. The difference is the malignant
narcissist will inflict pain in order to fulfill his sense of power and
superiority whereas the malignant borderline will
inflict pain for power, control,
domination and vengeance. “Now you are the hopeless victim and I have the
almighty omnipotent all powerful one.” The malignant borderline is like the
narcissist on steroids. Unlike the narcissist, the malignant
borderline could care less about fame, success, beauty, but getting even. They
are the ones who do not feel entitled though
on the surface may appears so, but more about vengeance at the
spouse/partner felt to have shamed them. Often they
form parasitic bonds with others when the promise of that bond is threatened they
will respond with endless and relentless shame/ blame and attacking defenses.
Better to stay in court and cause pain than feel the
emptiness of nothingness!
At the global
level both will find certain leaders or figures they identify with. For the
narcissist it might be so with powerful figures (leaders, rock/movie stars,
gangs terrorist leaders as an outlet for their sadistic aggression). Someone
like
Milosevic the Serbian war criminal someone who uses their omnipotent sadistic
fantasies to act out their worst aggression. “We killed thousands of Albanians
for a good cause. Sadism and paranoid features are the most common syndrome in
the malignant narcissist and the force that drives them into fulfilling their
own self-serving, political aspirations and becomes the rationale for
destructive acts of aggression.
Leaders like Kim Jong 11 who would starve his people while he lived in
mansions. Sadism and paranoid features are the most common dynamics in the malignant
narcissist, which drives them into fulfilling their own self-serving
aspirations and becomes the rationale for destructive acts of cruelty and
aggression.
Even
though he is a monster somehow he gets everyone to pity and feel sorrow for
him. Since she didn’t protect me I now have my daddy judge
They can be very
perplexing for court officials for they can be easily duped despite the
malicious and manipulative parts of the personality that are brutal there is
another side that can be charming, charismatic and, alluring. This can be very
perplexing not only for court officials but can easily dupe the most seasoned
therapist. This is also known as splitting. Like the abuser the malignant
borderline who can be cruel and sadistic and also be loving and kind. Within
the mix we also have the victimized borderline who also has malignant intent
but in the opposite direction, They use
their aggression in the reverse direction and coerce others to have pity and
sorrow for them. Many court officials
are not aware of these primitive defense mechanisms fundamentally how they
evolve around shame/ blame, envy, jealousy, control, domination and many
unresolved oedipal rivalry issues. Both of these disorders have their own
unique way of enacting a malicious intent, will sacrifice self, family,
finances to revenge, retaliate or get even with the spouse they perceive to
have betrayed them. It is not unusual to keep their spouses held as victim
hostage in court custody battles for years on end without ever reaching or even
seeking conflict resolution.
The court mommy/daddy will see the damage you’ve
done and they will punish and give you what you deserve!!
The Malignant Narcissist and the Malignant
Borderline
Be
prepared whatever you Say or Do Will be Twisted, Distorted and Turned Against
You!
In sum they both share is
malignant intent. Both are the embodiment of malicious intents . Both have a perverse sense of entitlement and feel
a special sense of entitlement to prey on victims and get from others they feel
rightfully is theirs. They will take your, time, money will sex,
emotions without any empathy. Instead will relentlessly keep one waiting or on
hold as long as they get away with it.
“Honey, I promise I
will marry you as soon as I divorce my wife. Just be a bit more patient!
Many court officials do
not have the opportunity to learn about these disorders and how to recognize
their primitive defense mechanisms -- real fundamental conflictual issues
around shame/ blame, envy, jealousy, control, domination and many unresolved
oedipal rivalry issues. They both show malicious intent in that at the very
core they are the ones who will sacrifice self, family, finances to revenge,
retaliate or get even with the spouse they perceive to have betrayed them. It
is not unusual to keep their spouses held as victim hostage in court custody
battles for years on end without ever reaching or even seeking means for a
peace resolution.
“She’s on her best
behavior now to show that she is a good mother but I know it’s fake!
Pointers
and Suggestions for Clients and Family Law Officials
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